Android Fanboys: Be More Like Apple Fanboys, Please

10/05/2012 Stephen Colbert 0 Comments

I would consider myself a Google/Android fanboy, but I'm seriously feeling seriously alienated.  Google/Android fanboys are becoming the biggest hypocrites and violently so.

Before I get to far into this, I let me make this clear clear: I am fully aware we are talking about phones here. So, I'm aware.  #firstworldproblems.

Android fans' biggest complaint against Apple is that they stifle innovation.  It's the classic open vs closed source debate.  While I tend to side more on the side of Android on this one, I work with iPhones every day and I'm glad that Apple chose the reliable closed source environment that they did (but I'm apparently not allowed to say that as an Android fan...).

Android fanboys: Don't fool yourself.  You are everything that is wrong with Android.
Apple releases the iPhone 5 and people gladly line up (literally, line up. Days in advance) to fork over money for a device with: no SD card slot (never has had one), no removable battery (never had one), a new (amazing) connector in lightning (seriously, awesome), and very minimal legacy support.

Meanwhile, Android 4.1 Jellybean is on less than 2% of devices and  4.0 is on less than 25% of devices. The potential new Nexus device (the device that defines Google's image of the Android experience) is leaked, and everyone throws a fit over no removable battery, no SD card slot, and other minor issues.

Do you know why Android is fragmented?  Do you know why Apple sells more iPhones?  It's because whenever Google or any Android OEMs try to improve anything you throw a fit!  Because of you we have inferior battery life, inferior design quality, inferior update penetration, and inferior reliability!  All in the name of "choice."  Who's stifling innovation here?  You, or the people lining up and paying Apple to do something new, something that might not support their previous hardware or ecosystem, but has more future proofing?  Something that is standardized and allows for better app and 3rd party accessory development.

And I'm a traitor for saying these things?  You know what, vinyl was around for decades and every one's hand me down record player worked just fine. Your car? Probably doesn't support 8 track.  Your computer? Probably doesn't run your DOS Top Gun flight sim so well anymore (I know mine doesn't... ::tear::). Your DVD player? Probably doesn't play your Avengers Blue-ray.  Get with the system or don't play the game.

I wish Google would make updates so extreme that they lack backwards compatibility.  I wish more OEMs would make hardware that try an improved approach instead of just making what fanboys think they want.  I wish the fanboys would want these things.

I gave up a removable SD card a while back.  My experience is so much better since.  I hope my next Nexus device lacks a removable battery.  I hope I have to replace my micro USB connectors in the next couple of years.

Innovation requires change.  Change requires things to be different.

I had a pretty good CD collection.  They're all useless now.  I love it.  Same for my DVDs.  I have a lot of things that I can only wish were old and outdated.  That's what it takes to innovate.  So, don't tell me Apple stifles innovation.  Last I checked, your GSIII uses the same charger as your "OG" Droid, has a skin that looks like gingerbread, and still has physical buttons.  I don't care how often you flash a new ROM or which kernel you're running, or how fast you've overclocked.  You're holding Android back.

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